Conversation overheard on a rural subway car.

[Girl One] Remember when Jessica Simpson was confused about whether Chicken of the Sea was tuna or chicken?

[Girl Two] No. I never watched her show.

[Girl One] But it was rebroadcast on all the tabloid shows and late night talk shows.

[Girl Two] I don’t watch those, either.

[Girl One] What *do* you watch?

[Girl Two] Anything starring Tom Selleck.

[Girl One] The guy from Selleck-Waterfall-Sandwich?

[Girl Two] What’s that?

[Girl One] A website where people post pictures of Tom Selleck with waterfalls & sandwiches.

[Girl Two] Tom Selleck is on the Internet?!?!

[Girl One] Everybody is on the Internet.

[Girl Two] I need to buy a computer!

Phone conversation overheard on an rural subway car:

“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I love cuddling with you after sex!”

“I told you, I *had* to get up! I had diarrhea!”

“It’s not like I chose to get diarrhea. Even if I had the ability to develop diarrhea on demand, I can’t imagine a situation in which I would ever choose to use it.”

“Fine, next time I’ll shit the bed if it will make you happy!”