My Application for HTMLGiant’s Review Editor Position

I sent the following letter in response to Blake Butler's search for a Reviews Editor at HTMLGiant:

I would be interested in serving as a Review Editor for HTMLGiant. I don’t know much of anything about editing but I don’t know anything at all about reviewing poetry yet still managed to convince The Rumpus to let me review poetry for them. They even published my first review despite it mostly being about how I didn’t know how to review poetry. Also, 100% of my non-fiction essays have been accepted by the first publication to which I submitted. (We’ll overlook the fact that I’ve only submitted one essay for publication (two if you count 2600 Magazine in the mid-90s.))

I am grammar-competent (36/36 on the English section of the ACT, which was good enough to score me a full ride scholarship on which I attended Missouri Western State College for nearly two weeks before getting bored and wandering back to Pizza Hut. (My mom is also an English teacher, so a lot of it is inherited.)
I’ve worked as a news poster on various emulation news sites (most notably Zophar’s Domain and ROM Hacking dot Net) which involves the sort of skills necessary for the “organizing regular posts” portion of the job. And I founded the school newspaper at the St. Joseph Job Corps, which covers the “reading/selecting/soliciting” incoming reviews.

I’ve also helped edit GED practice essays, though I assume the general quality of submissions to HTMLGiant is at least slightly above GED level, depending on how intoxicated the writer was at time of submission.

Five years from now, I see myself teleporting. My next goal is to obtain an aloe vera plant that I will christen Children, though that will have to wait a couple of weeks until my girlfriend’s roommate moves out. (Unless her cats somehow get ran over before then, thus rendering them incapable of eating my plant.)

Finally, I am willing to enter into a death match tournament against any other prospective applicants. I have very little formal fighting training, but I’m not at all afraid to bite someone’s eyebrow off and spit it in their soup.

(Mostly) Sincerely,

Samuel Sargent

I didn’t get a response, so I presume that means the position was filled. Or he’s moving really slow. I’m serious about the death match thing, though. I’m not afraid to cut a motherfucker if there’s money involved. Or free cookies.