September 2012
1 post
4 tags
Deus Ex Machina Meos Suaviari
“I’ll set the alarm for 9:30,” I said. “You’ll wake up at 7,” she said. “Its 2am and I’ve been drinking. I’ll sleep past 10,” I said. The blanket fell to the floor in the overly air conditioned morning. As I picked it up, I looked at my phone. Exactly 7am. A little later, still shivering, I get up to turn the fan away from the bed. Then...
July 2012
1 post
My Impression of Recipe Reviews
This recipe is soooo good! I did make a few changes. I used pork instead of chicken and BBQ sauce instead of orange sauce and instead of rice, I made french fries, but my husband and kids loved it, so I’ll definitely make it again! ★★★★★ I didn’t have any chicken on hand so I used peanut butter instead. My kids hated it. ★★ My oven is broken so I tried baking this pie by setting it on the sidewalk...
May 2012
2 posts
4 tags
4 tags
Untitled #14,264
The girl at the McDonalds window looks through me with dead eyes, already taking the order of the next person in line, as I hand her my debit card. She thanks me as she returns the card but her words are as robotic as electric sheep dreams.
The guy at window #2, with his dark skin and bleached blonde afro, radiates life when he hands me my food. He clearly hears what I say and responds in kind.
...
January 2012
1 post
Business Plans
I want to open a massage parlor named Bipolar Finale. The customer will never know if they’re getting a handjob or just punched in the junk.
Also, I want to open a strip club in a college town and call it Tuition.
December 2011
2 posts
4 tags
Last Week
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. You hadn’t been gone for five minutes and I felt like slitting my wrists. If that’s how I react to a six day trip, I refuse to ponder forever.
On the drive home, I listened to Guns ‘n Roses, a band you hate. I thought Welcome To The Jungle might pump me up. But your stereo, ever finicky about MP3 CDs, insisted on playing Don’t...
4 tags
Ponderings While Browsing The "Casual Encounters"...
I occasionally browse through the casual encounters section of Craig’s List because I enjoy seeing how many different ways people can misspell slang words for vagina. These are a few of the recurring thoughts that enter my mind:
You can’t tell if I’m real unless I type a specific phrase in the subject line? Are you expecting a check from a Nigerian prince any day now?
Do the...
September 2011
1 post
4 tags
Last Night - A 55 Word Flash Fiction
Stumbling along the empty streets at dawn, my stomach as uneasy as my every step, I look to the sunrise, hoping it will eradicate the the fog blanketing my brain, only to discover a throbbing pain behind my eyes. I’ll never forget her body, but the only name I remember from last night is Jose Cuervo.
Originally written in response to a prompt for Auntie Mae’s Mighty Fine Poetry Night, where it...
July 2011
1 post
4 tags
My Penis Is Larger Than Tao Lin's Penis.
My penis is larger than Tao Lin’s penis.
I know because someone asked him
how long his penis was
in a Q & A session
at The Rumpus
and he said ~5” erect.
Mine is in the 6.5” range.
What relevancy does this hold?
Very little,
other than it has inspired me
to assemble a collection of poems
that I will entitle
My Penis Is Larger Than Tao Lin’s Penis
in which I...
June 2011
3 posts
4 tags
The Trouble With Lesbians
A typical male fantasy involves “converting” a lesbian and having her fall in love with him.
A typical male fails to take into consideration that lesbians, by definition, have little-to-no scrotal experience. Thus they are prone to accidentally kicking you in the balls when rolling around in bed, forgetting that it will reduce you to a crumpled heap of crippling pain.
4 tags
"Donating" Plasma for "Fun" and Profit
“When I go to the plasma center, I like to dress up. It probably makes the poor people feel better about themselves to see that non-poor people also donate plasma. It helps them buy into the line about donating to save lives, rather than doing it for the money. It makes them feel altruistic instead of poor.
“It always makes me feel good to see people reading while the blood is being...
4 tags
My Application for HTMLGiant's Review Editor...
I sent the following letter in response to Blake Butler’s search for a Reviews Editor at HTMLGiant:
I would be interested in serving as a Review Editor for HTMLGiant. I don’t know much of anything about editing but I don’t know anything at all about reviewing poetry yet still managed to convince The Rumpus to let me review poetry for them. They even published my first...
May 2011
3 posts
4 tags
Dumpster Diving
Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Crawling Around In This Dumpster
picking up broken glass with my bare feet
cleaning the shower with my tongue
eating at Taco Bandito*
watching gay porn starring my grandfather
hanging out with Richard Simmons
Things I Would Rather Be Crawling Around In This Dumpster Than Doing
picking up broken glass with my bare ass cheeks
running my fingers through...
A random sampling of movies I have never seen (culled from IMDb’s list of the Top 250 Highest Rated Movies.)
Shawshank Redemption, The Godfather, The (any of the series) Schindler’s List Dark Knight, The It’s A Wonderful Life Apocalypse Now Saving Private Ryan Raging Bull Braveheart Bladerunner
Movie In The Top 250 That I Hated: A Clockwork Orange
A random sampling of books I...
4 tags
Joe vs The Burrito
It was a mighty burrito, a fine opponent, Joe thought. Technically, it was a chimichanga but, technically, he didn’t know the difference. Something about frying. But this burrito was microwaved, so that was all irrelevant. All that mattered was the battle.
Fork in hand, he considered his foe. He was big, for a burrito. Definitely bigger than a baby’s arm. The package had...
April 2011
5 posts
whitepajamas asked: I enjoyed your Sharktopus poem. I enjoy all your writing, in fact, but the Sharktopus one made me laugh.
4 tags
(Not Really) Overheard #2
Conversation overheard on a rural subway car. [Girl One] Remember when Jessica Simpson was confused about whether Chicken of the Sea was tuna or chicken? [Girl Two] No. I never watched her show. [Girl One] But it was rebroadcast on all the tabloid shows and late night talk shows. [Girl Two] I don’t watch those, either. [Girl One] What *do* you watch? [Girl Two] Anything starring Tom Selleck....
4 tags
Three (Random) Untitled Poems All Subtitled "I...
The following poems were written based on J. Robert Lennon’s Random Poem Idea Generator. I’m taking the first three ideas it offers me, no mulligans. So blame him when they suck.
Idea #1: Forget yourself while contemplating terror sarcastically
I’m tired of being judged by the color of my skin every time I fly to visit my grandparents, rent a moving truck, enter a gas station....
4 tags
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drip*
*drop*
“It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how much you get paid to play...”
– Me
March 2011
4 posts
4 tags
A Brief History of Violence
Once upon a time, I worked at a cold storage facility filled with idiots. If there are two things that drive me to distraction, it’s cold temperatures and idiots. As you can imagine, I wasn’t in a very good mood most of the time.
There was a large population of temp workers. Everyone started out as a temp and then got hired on full time after 90 days if they didn’t suck. One of...
4 tags
Memories From Ryan Stone's Basement
listening to the Beastie Boys’ License to Ill, my introduction to rap
being jealous that Lori Holcer was talking to someone other than me, in the second grade
seeing Vanna White naked in Penthouse¹
watching him light hair spray on fire and later wondering if he was responsible when that house burnt down a few years later²
motherfuckin’ Speak ‘n’ Spell
junior high...
4 tags
Molotov Shrimp Cocktail with Lemon
There was a certain brand of tea I would sometimes drink with my convenience store lunch. The glass bottle was completely basic: straight sides that only tapered at the very top and very bottom, none of the fancy contours that suggest a manufacturer trying to make an inferior product more attractive, no company logo embossed in the glass as if you were going to peel off the label and lose the lid...
1 tag
December 2010
1 post
In the Ghost of the Celebration
In the spirit of the holiday, I would like to wish my Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah. Except I only have one Jewish friend and he’s non-observant. So instead, I’ll wish him a happy 54th anniversary of Che Guevara reaching the shores of Cuba to kickstart the Cuban Revolution. Viva La Revolución, Dave!
November 2010
2 posts
4 tags
(Not Really) Overheard
Phone conversation overheard on an rural subway car:
“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I love cuddling with you after sex!”
“I told you, I *had* to get up! I had diarrhea!”
“It’s not like I chose to get diarrhea. Even if I had the ability to develop diarrhea on demand, I can’t imagine a situation in which I would ever choose to use it.”
...
4 tags
It’s day two of NaNoWriMo. You don’t actually expect me to update this thing, do you? :o
October 2010
2 posts
4 tags
“It is better to be recycled than to be refused.”
– Me
September 2010
2 posts
4 tags
What Kind Of Tree Wood I Bee?
“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” is possibly the most ridiculed question of all time. I often ask it of people when I have nothing else to contribute to a conversation but have grown tired of non-sequitorially spouting out “monkeys” and “tacos”.
Today, however, the perfect answer to this question struck me when I wasn’t even...
Monkeys and Tacos go together like Peanut Butter & Chocolate. They don’t go together in the same way but they go together just as well. You probably shouldn’t actually put a monkey in your taco, as it might piss off the monkey and Monkeys and Being Pissed Off go together like Monkey Feces and Your Face.
So, to reiterate: monkeys in tacos = pissed off monkey but monkeys with tacos...
August 2010
2 posts
4 tags
Root Beer Cookies
Most people are surprised to discover that there is such a thing as root beer cookies. Most people live lives of hollow joy.
I am quite fond of this recipe.
4 tags
All Apologies
I apologize for the unexpected delay. It was caused by an unexpected delay. We now return you to your regularly scheduled unexpected delay.
March 2010
1 post
4 tags
“I should warn you that I occasionally cheat. A lot.”
– Me
February 2010
2 posts
4 tags
Dream Eating Mice
An ex-girlfriend once bought me a book about interpreting dreams. I don’t know why. I tried to use it once when writing a story. I came up with a list of things that I wanted the main character’s dream to signify and then I searched through the book looking for matches. I came up with something fairly interesting that matched the mood of the story but I never made it to the part...
4 tags
Future Bibliography
I am much better at making lists of books and stories I am going to write than I am at actually writing them. I have a very impressive future bibliography. One such list is of an entire series that encompasses around 11 books and 5 short stories. I remember that I wrote the end of the last book during a basketball game while I was in high school (I went to the game to get candy at the concession...
January 2010
2 posts
4 tags
Turmeric
Whenever I make out a grocery list I try to envision what would impress the sort of woman that I would want to impress if I encountered her in a grocery store and so I have a cabinet full of things like Turmeric that I don’t even understand how to use and also spelled wrong on the grocery list because I just looked up how to use it and Google told me I was spelling it wrong.
4 tags
Something Very Important
I once wrote something very important but it didn’t make any sense so I deleted it because I was embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t understand something that was very important.
